Motherhood— Humorous, Spiritual, Sad, or “Survival”
My Talk in Church on May 9, 2021:
Because we have been doing “home church” since March 2020 when the pandemic hit, I feel like I’m a new member of the ward and should introduce myself! We moved to the Cody, Wyoming 3rd Ward in July of 2009. My husband David was born in Cody and graduated from Powell High School. I grew up in Boise, Idaho. After David returned from his mission to Peru and Ecuador in 1971, we finally met in Provo, Utah after exchanging several letters while he was on his mission. These letters began at the request of my cousin Terry who had married David’s brother Steve one year earlier. While it was not love at first sight for either of us, we did become friends at BYU. When we eventually started dating, we quickly fell in love, and were married in the Idaho Falls temple on March 30, 1972. We will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary next year in 2022—that sounds impossible, but it’s true!
We lived all around the country before moving back to the land of my husband’s roots. When we moved to Cody, only our two youngest children, Matt and Michelle, lived with us, and they both graduated from Cody High School. It has been a blessing for our whole family to be here. We have 11 children, seven daughters and four sons, and we now have 29 grandchildren.
I was a “stay-at-home” mom for 42 years! David and I have been “empty-nesters” since Michelle went to college in 2015. The last six years we’ve been away from Cody a lot either on business trips or taking care of the needs of our family, which includes helping Matt recover after his emergency brain surgery in 2017 and being with our daughters and daughters-in-law when they had new babies! And this leads me into the subject of my talk—motherhood!
First, I must say that I could not have been the mother I am if David had not been the father he is, because he has been my constant support.
To begin, I will read from a little book I wrote called, ABC’s for a Happy Marriage. The letter “P” is for Posterity:
Posterity
is a promising
gift from God
coming either planned
or as a
special surprise, and
His precious children
will deepen your
marriage covenants and
bless your lives
throughout all eternity.
There are different ways to approach the subject of motherhood. Some are humorous, some are spiritual, some are sad, and some are what I would categorize as simply “survival,” which we mothers must all learn during our “on-the-job-training.” I will mention each of these during this talk.
First, I will talk about sad. The saddest mother I ever saw on Mother’s Day was when I lived in New Hampshire. As we walked from the chapel (after listening to the Mother’s Day talks which annually make us mothers feel somewhat guilty) there was a beautiful, white-haired woman sobbing outside the Relief Society doors. When I asked her what was wrong, she angrily replied, “I hate Mother’s Day! It’s the worst day of the year for me. I have eight children and did the best I could raising them, but none of them ever call or send a card on Mother’s Day. They don’t want to have anything to do with me!” My heart broke for this good woman, and all I could do was put my arms around her and let her cry.
I’m sure every mother looks back on the years she was raising her children and wishes she had done better. I know I did—for years I thought I was a terrible mother and had many feelings of regret. I now believe that most mothers are doing their best—and the sooner their children can stop being mad about what their mothers didn’t do for them, and start appreciating all that their mothers did do for them, the happier everyone is going to be.
I was once out of town visiting a ward on a Mother’s Day. During the Relief Society lesson, the class was asked to share positive experiences about being a mother. One lovely older woman raised her hand and spoke quietly. “I know I was a terrible mother.” Everyone laughed, but she was being serious. Without smiling, she continued, “No. I really was. My children were put into foster care because I was doing drugs, and I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t able to raise my own children. Fortunately, I finally was able to break free from my addictions and got to know my children as adults. They have been understanding and forgiving of me and let me back into their lives, for which I am most grateful. Now, I am the best grandmother ever!” She was smiling cheerfully at this point and continued on, “I really am! My children greatly appreciate having me in their lives and in the lives of their children. I’ve come a long way.”
My children like to tell stories around the dinner table about me when they come to visit, and everyone has a good laugh, including me. Some of the crazy things I once did are now quite funny looking back. One of my sons once said, “Now that I have children of my own, your behavior doesn’t seem as strange as it did when I was a child, in fact it seems quite normal.”
In the April 2021 General Conference, there was an inspiring talk given by Elder Neil L. Andersen entitled, “The Personal Journey of a Child of God.” He said:
“God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.” When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. With faith and prayer, these sacred decisions can be beautiful, revelatory experiences.
This was true for David and me as we prayed about when to have our children. However, sometimes a couple’s prayers to have a child are not granted. Elder Andersen also said:
“I express my love and compassion for righteous couples who marry and are unable to have the children they so eagerly anticipate and to those women and men who have not had the opportunity to marry according to God’s law. The unrealized dreams of life are difficult to understand if viewed only from the perspective of mortality. As the Lord’s servant, I promise you that as you are faithful to Jesus Christ and your covenants, you will receive compensating blessings in this life and your righteous desires in the eternal time-line of the Lord.”
A scripture that was a constant inspiration to me as I was raising my children is found in the Pearl of Great Price in Moses 1:39 where God is speaking:
“For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.”
I knew that Heavenly Father couldn’t do His work if I didn’t do my work. So even on the days when I felt terrible about myself as a mother, I had hope that Heavenly Father would help me to do a little better the next day. I knew that because of Jesus Christ’s Atonement, He would strengthen me in my weaknesses.
As parents, David and I have faced many tough situations with our children that have been difficult for us to bear. We hope that mothers and fathers who face challenges in their own family will know that they are not alone. Our dear Savior saves us.
My mother used to say:
Never judge another family harshly.
All you can really say is,
“I haven’t had to deal with that experience—yet.”
Yes, do not judge other families harshly. If you see a family that is struggling, become friends with them and find ways that you can help lighten their load. David and I will forever be grateful that we lived in New Hampshire when we were having an especially difficult time with one of our sons. The ward rallied around us, shared their own difficult experiences with their children, and gave us hope that we could carry on. This was one of many “survival” times where I forced myself out of bed, put a smile on my face, and put one foot in front of the other as I did what had to be done that day. My scriptures became my best friend.
I read my scriptures a lot when I was going through trials, and I’ve had a lot of trials! Now, my scriptures are so old and worn out that I have to keep them in a scripture case to hold them together! Scriptures are powerful—and they helped me through!
The challenge of being a mother is that we’re NOT just mothers. We are women first, then wives, and then mothers! Many women are single mothers, who all have another difficult set of unique challenges. How can a woman keep this balancing act going all the time? It is difficult but not impossible. As a young mother, I began writing extensively on this theme of “Woman, Wife, Mother, and I continue to write about it on my blog, mamafales.com. I find that writing down my thoughts, feelings, and experiences helps me to keep everything I do in an eternal perspective. This helps me feel much more at peace and much happier!
There are many books that can be read (or listened to) to learn the skills you need to balance these three roles of being “a Woman, a Wife, and a Mother.” I’ve learned that I can only improve as fast as I gain knowledge and use that knowledge to form new habits over time. There are two authors I’ve learned a lot from the last few years, which have helped me be a better mother and grandmother.
The first author is Greg McKeown who wrote the book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. This book talks about eliminating all the non-essentials in your life, so you can focus on what is really important, what is really essential, and not have regrets later in life—especially within your own family.
The second author is Greg Baer who wrote the book, Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships with sequels called, Real Love in Marriage and Real Love in Parenting. Listening to his books gave me a totally new perspective on how I can show love to my husband, my children and their spouses, and my grandchildren so that they continually feel my love.
Greg Baer’s quote, “If you’re angry, you’re wrong!” haunted me for months as I tried to justify my past behavior with my children and grandchildren. Looking back over my life, I could finally see he was right. I’m trying to do better.
To summarize the most important ideas I have about being a mother, I will break it down into five parts: Spiritual, Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Social.
Spiritual— take time to read scriptures, pray, and listen to songs about Jesus—individually and as a family. When you feel the Spirit, everything goes better. A morning devotional starts the day right! If you only spend five minutes, it will help. But then spend more time later in the day when you can.
Physical— Provide healthy meals and snacks for yourself and your family. A grumpy child is a hungry child. Kids need nutritious food to behave well—so do their moms and dads! Also, exercise should be an important part of everyone’s day to feel happier and relieve stress.
Mental— Read good books in addition to reading the scriptures. Ponder and meditate on what you learn. Read to your children—not just children’s books, which are very important, but anything you find interesting and exciting. Show by example that learning is fun!
Emotional— Be real. Talk about your feelings and ask questions to help your children open up and share about their feelings. When anyone is feeling stressed or angry, take a break until you can talk calmly with each other. Say the words often, “I love you!” and show it in your actions.
Social— have fun with your kids and with your kids’ friends. Get to know their friends and also their friends’ parents. There is strength in numbers. Let your home be a safe place for kids to gather (after the pandemic is over)! Have occasional one-on-one “dates” with each of your kids.
In conclusion, I want to read two quotes that have been inspirational to me as I journeyed on my path of motherhood. The first is from President David O. McKay (He was “my” prophet when I was growing up!):
“The noblest calling in the world is motherhood. True motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions. She who can paint a masterpiece, or who can write a book that will influence millions, deserve the plaudits and admiration of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters whose immortal souls will exert influence throughout the ages long after paintings shall have faded, and books and statues shall have decayed or been destroyed, deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessings of God.”
One time when I was reading this quote to Matt and Michelle, Michelle looked at me and said, “But Mom, you did both.” I answered her by saying, “Yes, I did. But what did I do first?” Michelle smiled at me and quietly said, “You had your children.”
The second quote is by President McKay’s wife, Emma Ray. She said:
“The art of raising children peacefully and pleasantly is the art of becoming a child again and growing up with them.”
The bottom line is to remember to relax! Have fun with your kids. Enjoy them. Cherish them. Simplify your life so there is more time for fun!
I want to say how much I love being a mother and a grandmother. I made many mistakes with each of my children, and I’m grateful they have been so understanding and forgiving of me. This cycle of life is God’s plan. It truly is, “The Plan of Happiness.” I’m so happy I can be a part of it!